Time really does fly.

I am currently 19 and I am anticipating graduation of my bachelor degree by next Fall (graduating a year and a half early). It’s absolutely insane how fast time is passing. With time going so quickly, I question a lot of things that I have to handle on a daily basis. Is this going to matter in 5 years? Am I wasting my time? What should I do better? Where will I be heading?

I have this constant anxiety ever since I was a kid because I thought that I was going to die soon or that I have little time to live. That fear of death is what propelled me to move forward with life quicker than most. Growing up a lot faster and achieving more a lot faster. Of course, doing anything faster or achieving something earlier doesn’t make it less hard to go to through life. It doesn’t make you more equipped to handle ALL aspects of life (for me, it was emotionally). And it sure as hell didn’t make me feel less scared of death.

Going through heartbreak and losing close friendships recently was what I found to be one of the more challenging things I had to face this year but also the most eye-opening. During the past month, I had three summer classes and I started a shop, all while dealing with heartbreak and finding myself in an endless loop of negative feedback. It was emotional stress, mental stress, and that eventually became a physical stress. Running myself in these loops, I realized I was alone.

Of course, I was not “alone”. I had friends and family and God to support me and to encourage me to move forward. To not just move forward but to actually LOOK forward to things in life, whether it is the hardships or the fellowships. But what I learned is that death is alone. It is quite… singular and universal.

You die alone as your own person and you have to DIE with the choices that you have made.

Learning to take responsibility of my choices still doesn’t change that I have made them and that is exactly what makes it hard to accept. Actually..for a lot of people to accept. It’s hard to see but perhaps it doesn’t change a situation entirely IN the moment but it DOES change the future that will come when you accept things for what it is.

Now, at this point, it’s like “Well, I don’t know what the future will hold though..” and I absolutely agree that it’s hard. However, the people who fear death is also afraid of the unknown. That’s because the scary part isn’t that you can die but that fact that it can be today or 50 years from now. That’s exactly what I went through. I feared that I will die skiing so I never skied again. I feared that I will die alone so I didn’t build strong relationships that will last because I was afraid they can leave tomorrow (where all my trust issues come from). All these fears became almost counterintuitive…as people did leave and I don’t take on fearful physical challenges.

That fear was something visibly a part of my life and I never realized that until I hit a place that felt remotely close to death. That feeling of being alone and being full of regrets and losing myself/identity. It felt very dark and almost like I was a zombie lol, brainless and heartless monster who eats others to survive.

That formed toxicity and that formed dependency on others. Suck people up of what they can offer because I couldn’t possibly be on my own. Or another reason would be that I’m so afraid of dying alone that I go out of my way to keep certain people in my life, settling for less just to have them stay. It’s such a hard look at myself but the fear was there and it impacted my life greatly.

As my professor profoundly said….the only thing in life you HAVE to do is DIE.

We are closer and closer to death everyday, making choices that are good or bad or both, but the constant is that you are a minute away from death, a second away from a heart attack. You have no control over that constant and fear is not going to make that ideology easier to handle.

Your better life is on the other side of that fear and although it’s hard to face that you’ve made fearful decisions, it doesn’t define you and it doesn’t mean you’re no longer worthy to live. It just means you can START to BETTER live and to make BETTER CHOICES.

It’s hard to look back and to see that you’ve lost so much of yourself but imagine how hard is it to have to look back and see the same thing for every step of the rest of your life. There’s a lot to learn and there’s a lot of room for improvement but it’s not the end of the world.

I started writing this blog for the sake of my own life…that fear that if I were to die, at least I left a story behind. And I think much of my success was built on that fear. I’ve finally let go and I’m trying to build a more solid foundation for my further successes. So as this blog was built on my fear, it is now built on a place of love. The idea that I really am NOT the only person who goes through this and if you need someone to relate to, I exist lol and you’re not alone.

I hope this article helped you and to help you see your better life after this.


Annie <3

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