I’m writing this because Vo1SS wrote an article about me and that was all the good stuff, ya’ll and it is true stuff! But I’m going to share the true stuff that wasn’t asked for and I omitted. It’s vital to understand that I’m human and that my successes are never black and white like lucky or unlucky, hard work or no hard work. It’s a lot of things and I hope this article explains it well.
I’m not perfect and I never said I was. I can rub off that way but it’s not intentional. In fact, I’m extremely insecure. I was never good enough in my head.
When you’re young and impressionable, it’s easy to identify with anything that gives you a sense of purpose. A faulty one that actually wasn’t made for you. I was searching for that purpose all my life, encountered many faulty ones until I realized that mine was storytelling. It’s connecting with people and helping them. This one wasn’t faulty but I didn’t use it properly.
That purpose of mine sometimes run on overdrive. It inadvertently became a toxic trait for me because I struggle to help myself after giving myself away so easily. I’d help someone out of a breakup or give them guidance on life. Speak some truth into the lost and bring God along with me.
I wanted to help people and in a way, this was great. I did great. However, I was still that insecure little girl who was never enough. So helping people actually fed my insecurity of not being enough. If I’m depended upon, then I’m worthy. If I’m reliable, I’m good enough and sometimes, better. If they don’t depend on me, then I’ll connect with someone who will.
However, being there for someone all the time can cultivate a codependent relationship. It can blur boundaries and it can hurt friendships and relationships. You start to lose yourself in that person and they start to look to you for help in every obstacle. They start to lose themselves in you.
I’d push them away for their good because they need to find themselves and they need to be independent. So do I. I find that I’ve been at fault for this many times and my friendships don’t end well.
However, having those insecurities make me human and I, too, needed to depend on someone. I would use my closest friends who are stable and sure, and depend on them to carry my emotional baggage that I carried alone since I was young. I’d trust them with the heaviness of insecurities and fears which also causes those friendships to not end well. And then I’d think, why have them end at all?
All the emotional trauma that I have faced, I have turned it into something positive. A lesson to keep pushing forward and to do better. Be better. Be a better example and help more people. However, the cycle repeats because the problem was still there. I’m insecure and I don’t properly deal with loss and grief. That translates poorly into my relationships.
I was in two toxic relationships that was over a course of 5.5 years so I was never alone. My parents depended on me for emotional support because I’m the oldest and they’re immigrants with little English proficiency. My siblings depended on me because my parents couldn’t handle nor understand all of the American culture. I served as an example and I had the pressure of being the strongest. I formed toxic friendships. I moved on quickly and easily so I can avoid confronting my internal pain or past pains. I had to be strong so I can carry other people’s weight. I had to succeed to mask the pain…
I felt so alone. I couldn’t handle all the pain without collapsing every 2-3 months into depression and anxiety. I had to fight for my parents to not depend on me as much. I had to learn how to create boundaries with my relationships. I had to push my siblings to be independent. I had to learn to face my pains straight on instead of repressing them in order to succeed. I had to put myself first to realize how worthy I am just by being me.
I had to be extremely selfish in order to be extremely selfless. I had to take those training wheels off of those that depended on it because I needed them for myself. I learned the hard way…that in order to fulfill my purpose of helping people, I needed to help myself. I needed to save myself. I needed to put myself first.
And if you’re anything like me, know that it will get better with that conscious understanding of yourself.
And if you’re admiring me, know that I’m not perfect and my successes were built on a formula that included lots of pain. And that success was built on a shaky foundation with lots of cracks in it.
Besides this difficult article to write hahaha (aka lots of courage), I’m so grateful for everything that shaped me today and made me stronger. I just wanted you all to know that it’s only looking better from here. I’m excited to walk my life differently and in a better way for myself and for others. I hope this shed some light on why I’m who I am today.